“If all else fails, read the instructions!” Some of us have been humbled when we jumped in and started work with that attitude, only later to realise that this particular task was beyond our abilities to “figure it out”. Sadly for some Christian men, this has also been their approach to marriage. They just opened the box and launched into marriage, but it wasn’t long before they found the pieces of their marriage all over the floor, and were left wishing they’d read the Manufacturer’s instructions first. 

1 Peter 3:7 God has given us very simple instructions for marriage that are well worth our time in reading. This verse, in fact, is something of a one-stop-shop for husbands. While it doesn’t give us everything the Bible says about marriage, it does tell us how to live in marriage in such an excellent way that the watching world says “Wow!” and “How?” 1 Peter 3:7 tells Christian husbands how to put our hope on display.

This verse is part of a broader section of Peter’s letter that stretches from 2:11 to 4:11. In this section, Christians are called to keep their behaviour kalos (excellent) before a watching world (2:11) in order to:

1. Bring glory to God when He visits people to save them (2:12).

2. Silence the critics (2:15).

3. Ultimately force people to ask the reason for the hope they see in you (3:15).

In this broader section, Peter focuses first on how to live excellently as citizens in society (2:13-17) and then how to keep it kalos in the workplace, as household slaves (2:18-25). In 3:1-7 the focus is on how to keep it kalos in marriage, and after providing three lessons for wives in verses 1-6, there are seven lessons now for husbands in verse 7.

In this article, we cover the first four, with three more to come next time. So—Christian husbands—to help you keep your behaviour kalos (excellent) in marriage so that you put your hope on display to win a watching world and silence the critics, you need to:

1. Practice the Same Kind of Submission in the Same Way

Husbands, likewise

It’s very easy to read the Bible and miss words like likewise, which means in the same way, or in a similar manner. The question that needs asking is “what?” What exactly is Peter calling husbands to do in the same way? The answer to that question comes from the context, and this is Peter’s way of pointing us back once again to this issue of evangelistic submission.

A keen-eyed Bible student will notice that the command to submit is not present in v.7. However, Greek grammar allows Peter to leave out the repetition, but still pick up the chain of thought that flows through this section, all the way from the command in 2:13 to “be subject”. 

Husbands must still practise this evangelistic submission—not to the authority of their wives, (since husbands are the head of the wife—see Ephesians 5:22ff) but, as MacArthur points out, to her needs. It can also be said that the institution of marriage and its responsibilities are something husbands have to submit to. 

With that context noted, it’s possible to see that the word likewise means that husbands are called to practice this extreme voluntarily self-submission in the same manner as we’ve been taught previously. In other words: a) for the Lord’s sake (2:13), b) realising that by doing good we’ll silence foolish people (2:15), c) as free people (2:16), d) as a slave of God (2:16), e) mindful of God when enduring sorrows while suffering unjustly (2:19), and e) following in Jesus’ footsteps (2:21-25), quietly enduring suffering and voluntarily laying down our lives and suffering to see others saved. 

This is way beyond merely giving up a few preferences! Yes, you may miss out on what you want, and yes you may suffer, but you ought to be willing to follow in Christ’s footsteps by even laying down your life for your bride as Christ did for His (see Ephesians 5:22-33). This is the extreme evangelistic submission God wants from Christian husbands, to put your hope on display. 

2. Live with Your Wives

Husbands, likewise, live with your wives

One way husbands can practise this submission is by living with their wives. When things get tough, many are tempted to run away and leave their responsibilities, but a Christian husband is called to stay. Don’t run home to mother, or run off to friends, or with another woman. Don’t hide away in your work, or behind your phone. God calls you to stay and fulfil your vows. Disaster strikes when husbands say they need to “take a break” or “give her some space”—brother, God says “stay!”  

One of the reasons there are so many single mothers is that men don’t stay. While it’s obviously true that some women can sin and make life miserable for their husbands, and even sinfully push them away, their sin doesn’t excuse your own. When you got married you said, “for better or for worse.” Christ stayed on the cross to save you despite suffering unimaginable agony, so Christian husbands can choose to stay, even if that means suffering. While it’s true that there are exceptional circumstances in which divorce is legitimate (Matthew 5:32) and when it might be right to leave, this command isn’t dealing with those exceptions. This is providing Christian husbands with their default commitment: “Come what may, we stay!” In messy and painful marriages, while the children often fail to understand why their fathers leave, a watching world will not be able to understand why you would stay. Simply staying, then, can put hope on display in front of a watching world. It shows you are not in this for “your best life now”. This is evangelistic submission by staying. 

3. Live with Your Wives According to Knowledge

When Peter says live with your wives in an understanding way (lit. according to knowledge), it implies you need knowledge in two areas:

Firstly, it does mean you need to live with your wife according to knowledge of what God requires of you in marriage. You need to know what God wants you to do, and not just from this verse but from the whole Bible. Become a student of Scripture—know your duty from God’s Word and do it. It’s never too late. If you do not know what to do, you need to know what to do—so get to know what to do!  

Secondly, you need to know your wife. You do not need to understand women, but you do need to understand one woman. You must learn her needs, burdens, desires, and preferences so that you can submit to them. Since you only ever submit to others as a slave of God, this does not mean you need to submit to your wife’s desires to sin. A husband who indulges a sinful self-indulgence sins himself! However if you come to see that your wife loves luxury and is self-indulgent, you are getting to know her needs! You need to live with her according to that knowledge, and minister to her appropriately. 

This highlights the need for husbands to get to know the kind of spiritual struggles their wives have, and learn how to deal with them appropriately, in a way that’s suited to their individual tendencies. Some men have only one-tool in their belt when it comes to dealing with their wives. Whatever the problem, they admonish. However, God wants us to evaluate why other people are not doing what they should. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14 Paul says we must “admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” 

That’s not a one-size-fits-all approach! It means we need to get to know why our wives struggle in the ways they do. If she’s fainthearted, she needs encouragement. If she’s weak in a certain area, she needs your help, spiritually or physically. To know what your wife needs most in a particular situation, you need to get to know her. You need to learn her ways. You mustn’t be oblivious. It’s your duty to live with her according to knowledge, so you need to keep your eyes open in order to acquire that knowledge over time. In this matter as in so many others, it’s also not such a bad idea to actually ask your helper how best to help her!

4. Give Her the Honour She Is Due

Husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman

The Greek word translated “showing” means apportioning. It’s as if you are dividing up a cake, and giving her the portion of honour due to her! The children of the Proverbs 31 woman “rise up and call her blessed” (Proverbs 31:28) but notice that King Lemuel adds “her husband also, and he praises her.” It’s right to give honour where honour is due (Romans 13:7) and so husbands, it’s your job to make sure your wife gets the honour she’s owed. 

This kind of honouring is very difficult for some men for a couple of reasons: First, some are inattentive to what their wives are doing. Most men would feel slighted if their boss didn’t even notice or acknowledge what they did, but it’s worth noticing that it’s your job to notice her! Love is not self-absorbed (1 Corinthians 13:5). If you’ve failed in this area, repent. Begin by asking God for forgiveness, but don’t stop there. Ask your wife for forgiveness. Ask your children’s forgiveness for setting them such a bad example. Commit to begin paying attention daily, thanking her, and praising her publicly before others and in front of the children. For some men, we are so oblivious that we need to add this to our to-do list, and our prayer list, and seek accountability with others until it becomes a normal part of our lives. A lifetime of self centredness is no excuse for it to continue!

Another problem some men have is that they just don’t appreciate their wives, even if they notice what they’re doing! But brother, how long would you keep doing your work if your boss didn’t pay you! Pay attention to this, because the word for honour in v. 7 in Greek is timē —the same word for “pay.” Husbands, you’re called to give your wife the “pay”—the honour she is due!  

Some men don’t even notice these sins, because it’s so much part of their culture, or it was the example they were set by their own father. Cultures are shaped by sin, and some fathers set appalling examples, but we need to re-shape our lives as Christians by copying Christ, not the culture, and our Father in heaven, and not the bad examples of our human fathers. The Lord Jesus notices even a cup of cold water given in His name, and plans to take time to reward it (Matthew 10:42). Our Father pays attention to even every careless word we speak (Matthew 12:36), so brother—be attentive, and appreciative, and give honour where it is due. 

Conclusion

So far, we’ve looked at the first four of his seven lessons for husbands from verse 7:

1. Practice the Same Kind of Submission in the Same Way 

2. Live with Your Wives

3. Live with Your Wives According to Knowledge 

4. Give Her the Honour She Is Due 

It is crucial to remember that this is NOT the gospel. This is not how to get saved. Our default setting is legalism; we hear teaching like this and expect this to be the way to become righteous. You and I are sinful wretches; no amount of good works is going to pay for your sins. What Peter is describing is how saved people need to live out the hope that they have. This is how people who are forgiven need to live in such a way that we show that this world is not our home—we’re just passing through.

Even if you have the most difficult marriage, when you live like this toward your wife, your neighbours, your friends, and your family will watch and say, “I do not understand it.” You will be able to tell them: my God laid down His life for me. It is nothing for me to lay down my life for my wife. He paid for my sins. I’m staying. I want to love her. I want to give myself up for her. Even if I don’t get anything back in this life, I have a hope that my God in heaven sees everything and He is going to reward me.