A few years ago, the celebrity Simon Cowell bought himself an e-bike. No big deal, right? Except, he paid £20,000 for it! This was no normal bike. To put his purchase in perspective, the most powerful road-legal e-bike in the UK has a 750-watt motor; his had 15,000 watts. Immense power was available at the flick of a wrist. 

What would it have been like to ride this powerful new bike? The world would soon find out through a tweet. Awaiting surgery for the multiple fractures in his spine and his back, Simon said: ‘If you buy an electric trail bike, read the manual before you ride it for the first time.’ Read the manual, Simon says.

In 1 Peter we’ve been doing ‘Simon Says’ also, except we’re looking at what Simon Peter says. And in 1 Peter 3:7 Simon Peter says to husbands to read the manual on marriage. While it’s very easy to think ‘I can figure it out,’ God has given us instructions that are worth knowing and applying. And many a man has found out the hard way in the arena of marriage that he couldn’t figure it out on his own. 

In our last three articles in this series, The Soul-Winning Marriage, we’ve covered 1 Peter 3:1-7. These verses, as part of the larger section about displaying hope in our witness, show us that we are supposed to keep our behaviour kalos (excellent) in front of a watching world in order to:

1. Bring glory to God when he saves (2:12)

2. Silence the critics (2:15)

3. Lead people to ask the reason for the hope they see in us (3:15)

In 1 Peter 3:1-7, Peter is teaching first-century Christians how to behave in marriage in such a noble way that they display their hope and win souls. In earlier articles we’ve covered Peter’s 3 main lessons for wives. In the previous article we covered the first 4 of 7 instructions for husbands. In this one, we’ll cover the final 3. 

In order to keep your behaviour kalos (excellent) in marriage and put your hope on display, Christian husbands need to:

Instruction 5: Treat her as weaker

The woman is the weaker vessel, and—to state the obvious—you must treat her accordingly. 

When Peter says she’s weaker, he’s using a comparative. He’s saying you’re weak but she’s weaker. Both you and your wife are vessels, clay pots which are very breakable. Both the husband and wife are breakable: the husband is weak and the wife is weaker.

Peter is saying to husbands, to paraphrase the biblical counsellor Jay Adams, treat her like ‘precious china’. Handle your wife with care! Go easy on the throttle of power you have. Just because you’re the head don’t be harsh (Colossians 3:19). Husband, you are called to treat her not with roughness but gentleness. Remember, the fruit of the Spirit contains gentleness (Galatians 5:23). 

Many men are tempted to abuse their relative strength compared to their wife. Men, indeed, are usually physically stronger than women. The statistics make that clear. Yes, there are exceptions. Some women are tough. Others are rough. But the exceptions only prove the rule.

Weakness can take different forms. A woman, due to hormonal reasons, may be weaker emotionally. Not only that, but she may also be weaker socially. In Peter’s day, there was a vulnerability for women in society. Women simply didn’t have the protections that men had. 

Back at the beginning, when Adam and Eve fell, God cursed them with consequences for their sin. In Genesis 3:16, part of the curse for women is found, ‘Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you ‘This is, as we covered in our Genesis of Gender Issues series, the battle of the sexes. As sin desired to rule Cain (Genesis 4:7), so the wife's desire would be to rule her husband. But the Bible is clear: women won’t win this battle of the sexes. Because when it comes to a battle, one half is stronger than the other. Women are weaker. 

However, when the men start losing the battle—what do some do? They get tough, hardening emotionally and physically. They put their foot down and rule with an iron fist. And Peter says to husbands: you can’t do that, brother. As a Christian husband you cannot treat her this way, you must treat her as weaker. You don’t abuse the fact that she’s weaker than you. You refuse to use your relative strength to win, rather you show true strength and power under control—you practise meekness in marriage. 

Unlike the unbiblical teaching of ‘the manosphere’, you refuse to abuse your position as the head of your wife. You are willing to lose the war of words in your home. You follow Christ, as 1 Peter 2:23 says, ‘When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly’. Regardless of your wife’s sin, you live this way so that your hope shines brightly on a dark background before a watching world. You treat her as weaker.

Instruction 6: Treat her with fairness (as an heiress)

You don’t only treat her as weaker, but you also treat her with fairness (as an heiress). Peter says husbands must treat their wives ‘as fellow heirs of the grace of life’.

An heir is someone who gets an inheritance; a fellow heir shares the inheritance with them. Peter is saying that husbands are to think about their wives as one who gets a share in what they inherit. 

What they inherit is ‘the grace of life’. The grace of life, I don’t believe, means salvation. Despite what some commentators have asserted, your wife is not automatically going to follow you in becoming a true Christian. To assert this is to misunderstand what the Bible says about salvation! Even if you wanted to become a Christian for the sake of others (such as a spouse), you cannot cause yourself to be born again! Only God can do that! If you haven't been saved yet, you need to cry out to him for salvation. If he’s willing to answer the prayer of the demons to send them to the pigs, don’t doubt that he’d hear you if you cried out to him and said, ‘God, I need the Holy Spirit. I need to be born again. I can’t do it. I’m lost.’ He would save you! Isn’t this good news?

While the grace of life doesn’t refer to salvation, it does refer to marriage. Marriage, as the ‘grace of life’, is a common grace gift that God has given to humanity. As John MacArthur put it once, ‘It’s the sweetness of life’.

In the beginning, before the fall, everything was good. Except for one thing: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone’ (Genesis 2:18). Marriage fixes that. It's an undeserved grace. With marriage comes a host of blessings: companionship, intimacy, friendship, protection, mutual affection. These blessings abound not just to believers but to all humanity. You get to—or at least should—inherit these blessings as a gift from God when you’re married. 

But what would happen if you, as a husband, assumed that you get all the blessings of marriage, instead of seeing your wife as a fellow heir also entitled to her share? Now, what would you do if your parents died and you received an inheritance and, after thinking some of it was coming to you, you found out your brother had taken it all? You’d kick up a stink! Now imagine how God feels if you think all the blessings of marriage belong just to you, men!

It’s clear from the grammar of the text that one of the ways you show (apportion) your wife honour (see: the last article) is by making sure she gets her share of the blessings of marriage, the grace of life.  The Bible is clear that the wife is owed honour. In fact, 1 Corinthians 7 treats physical intimacy—from a cuddle all the way to sexual intercourse—as a debt owed by husbands and wives to each other.  

There’s a debt to pay. She is your fellow heir in God’s gracious gift of marriage. So, husbands treat her with fairness as an heiress.

Instruction 7: Treat Her with Fear

In our final instruction found in the last part of verse 7, Peter urges husbands to think about the consequences if they don’t treat their wives right. He says that you must do what he’s said so far so that your prayers may not be hindered.’

The word hindered is Enkoptō in Greek. Koptō means to cut; Enkoptō came to mean ‘to hinder’ because when armies were retreating, they would cut trenches across the roadway to hinder the progress of their enemy pursuing them. Sometimes they would cut defensive trenches to stop the advance of an enemy coming to attack them. This word came to represent any kind of obstacle that you would put in the way to hinder the progress of an army—or, metaphorically, anything which gets in the way of something that you’re trying to do. In this case, you’re trying to pray and you’re sending your prayers up to God. It’s as if there’s an army of your prayers going up to heaven to achieve change—to bring about the blessing you desire. Only there’s something in the way: the way you treat your wife. 

It’s as if your prayers are going up to God, and God says, ‘no!’ Parents act this way (or at least they should!). Imagine your son asking for a new toy fresh from beating his sister. A good parent says, ‘About that, let’s talk about your sister.’ Our God is a good parent! You need to treat your wife with fear. He’s not going to ignore you abusing your relative strength or turn a blind eye to your disobedience. 

Think about the consequences. Think about the consequences if you don’t practise the same kind of submission. Think about the consequences if you don’t live with your wife as you should. Think about the consequences if you don’t live with her according to knowledge. If you don’t give her the honour that she’s due. If you don’t divide up the blessings of marriage and give her what she’s due. If you don’t treat her as weaker. If you don’t treat her with fairness as an heiress. Husbands, treat her with fear.

Conclusion

1 Peter 3:7 really is the idiot’s guide to being a Christian husband!

Now that you’ve read the instructions, what should you do if you’re now seeing your sin and your need to change? First and foremost, praise God for repentance! If you see your sin, sorrow over your sin (as Thomas Watson would say). Confess it—vomit out your soul before God. Go ask for forgiveness from your wife. Commit to change, say ‘From now on I will do the Knowledge. I will pursue this behaviour towards my wife.’ It's amazing what God the Holy Spirit can work in you in a very short space of time. And if you persist, your marriage and your life will not look like the mess that perhaps you see in the rear-view mirror.